


Her First Love

by thatt_apple



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, I cried writing this, and supportive joel, i guess idk they weren't really together, just the emotional side of ellie we didn't see, past relationship riley/ellie, so i hope you like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 00:22:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15569613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatt_apple/pseuds/thatt_apple
Summary: Ellie feels guilty for kissing Dina so she sorts out her feelings.





	Her First Love

**Author's Note:**

> I know tlou2 probably won't go into details about how Ellie feels about everything that happened so I did. It turned out way darker than I thought it would so sorry if you wanted a happy fic

It's not that Ellie didn’t like Dina; she liked her more than she would ever care to admit. It's just that every time that she had thoughts about her, Ellie ended up feeling guilty about it. She felt guilty that Riley used to take that special place in her heart and now Ellie was willingly giving that to Dina.

 

She still dreamt of Riley quite often, which used to give her comfort on even the bleakest of nights, but lately her dreams consisted of the happy memories with Riley accompanied by this heavy weight in her gut.

  
Ellie knew that Riley was gone. She was painfully aware of what the fungus does to a person. Even though she left Riley- or what used to be her- in that mall because she wasn’t strong enough to do what she needed to, she saw enough of the fungus before she left.

 

Maybe she never got closure because she knows that Riley is still out there somewhere. And maybe that’s why she convinced herself that to have feelings for Dina would be wrong, that it would be betraying Riley in some way.

 

Of course, she never shared this with anyone, not even Joel. Maybe she would tell him about it eventually, but even after five years, it’s still too raw.

  
It hurts Ellie because every time she spends time with Dina, all she can think about is what Riley would have done or said in that situation. 

 

She tries to keep hold of everything she and Riley shared, like her firefly pendant and all the memories along with it. Riley was her first kiss, first love, and she could have been more if fate had been kinder. But fate wasn’t kind.

  
So that leaves a guilt-ridden Ellie with a blossoming friendship with Dina, who was not new in town, but new to Ellie. When Dina first arrived at the town, Ellie had been too busy learning to play the guitar from Joel and hanging out with her own friends to notice her. But when she noticed her, she _noticed_ her.

 

Ellie had officially met Dina through a mutual friend, who Dina soon started dating. He and Dina had been in an on and off relationship for several months, so it was no surprise that they happened to not go to the celebration together.

  
It was a surprise, however, when Dina made her way over to Ellie and dragged her to the dance floor. What was even more surprising was when she had kissed her.

 

Before that, Ellie had thought her feelings had not been reciprocated. But as soon as her heart stopped beating loud enough for her to hear her own thoughts, she couldn’t help but think of Riley and how she would have loved to be at a celebration like this and how Ellie would love to have taken her to one.

  
Ellie, still slow dancing with Dina when these thoughts occurred, could only mumble, “I have to go.” And so, she did. She made a beeline towards the exit and left a confused Dina alone on the dance floor. She had made it halfway to her house before Dina caught up with her.

  
“Did I do something wrong?” Dina asked nervously, which is so uncharacteristic of her to be nervous.

  
“No,” said Ellie with a sigh. “Tonight was perfect. There’s just something I need to do.” When she met Dina’s eyes, she could see the hurt in them. “I just need some time alone. I promise I will explain in the morning.”

  
Dina nodded and turned to go back to the party while Ellie continued to her and Joel’s house.

  
When she arrived at her room, she found the Firefly pendant- _Riley’s_ Firefly pendant. Ellie had been able to find it when she was still in that mall with Riley before she was taken by the fungus. She ran her hand over the cool metal and poured herself some whisky. The two things that remind her most of Riley.

 

Riley had been in so may of her memories, not just her first time drinking alcohol and her first kiss, but these particular memories stand out. Maybe they stand out because that was the day she thought she would lose her friend to the Fireflies, or maybe because that was the day she did lose her friend to the fungus.

  
Then Ellie did something she hadn’t done in a while- she cried. She cried because she wanted her friend back. She cried because all she had left were memories. She cried because she couldn’t think of anything but Riley. But most of all, she cried because she hated that couldn’t think of anything but Riley, and that was unacceptable.

 

Ellie just wanted to be able to enjoy her life without the burden of her memories with Riley. And she hated herself for that. It wasn’t Riley’s fault, in fact it was Ellie’s because if not for her, Riley would still be alive. She would have escaped unscathed if she didn’t jump down to save Ellie.

  
The guilt of it was unbearable, but the resentment she held was far worse. How could she ever hate her first love? Her best friend? The ghost in the memories? But she did hate her because the pain of that guilt was worse than anything she could imagine. It wasn’t Riley’s fault. And it isn’t Dina’s fault that Ellie isn’t in the right headspace now.

  
_Riley is gone. Dina is here._

  
That’s the last thing she remembers before falling asleep.

  
……

 

The moment Ellie woke up, it hit her. She needed to explain her strange behavior last night. She groaned and went downstairs to find Joel asleep on the couch. She couldn’t help but think that maybe Joel should know about her and Riley before anyone else. After all, he was her family.

  
“Hey, Joel. Wake up,” she said and shook his shoulder. His eyes opened slowly and he blinked a few times.

  
He smiled when he noticed Ellie was the one who woke him.

  
“Hey kiddo. Long night? I heard you come in late.”

  
“I expected to be out later, but something came up,” she said and let out a shaky breath. “I need to tell you something.”

 

At that, Joel sat up.

  
“Nothing happened with any of those boys at the party, right?”

  
“No of course not,” Ellie said with a small laugh. She took a deep breath in after noticed it was harder to breathe. “This is about Riley.”

  
Joel just sat patiently waiting for her to elaborate. Even after all these years, Ellie still couldn’t read him at times.

  
“She wasn’t just my best friend. We were… more.” She exhaled slowly, trying to think of the best way to explain. “I loved her- in more than a friend way. And she loved me.” She looked over Joel’s face, trying to discern what he was thinking, but his face was neutral. After a moment, it softened.

  
“Do you want to tell me about her?” he said with a sad smile. He knew how much Ellie was hurt after Riley died, but for her to lose her first love must have been heart breaking. His heart broke a little at her small smile and the faraway look in her eyes.

  
“She was smart and funny- oh god was she funny. She was kind when she wanted to be and the most outspoken person I know-" she took in a breath, " _knew_. She was confident and outgoing, and I thought that if anyone was going to survive in this world, it would be her.” The tears came before she even had the chance to hold them back. “I miss her Joel. I wish she was here now. I wish you could’ve met her; I think you two would have gotten along.”

  
Joel leaned in and hugged Ellie. The hug said more than any words could have. It said that he loved Ellie and wanted to comfort her.

 

He suspected Ellie of being gay for a while now since she and Dina had started becoming close, but he just thought that the way she spoke of Riley was how one could idolize a person in their grief, not because she loved her.

  
They sat there for a few moments with Ellie sobbing softly into Joel’s shoulder as he comforted her. One thing he noticed about Ellie in the years he had known her is that she never cried in front of people. He had heard her sniffling alone in her room a few times but she never cried when people- even Joel- were around. These few precious moments that she did cry with him there and allowed him to comfort her were moments he knew he would remember.

  
Just as quickly as they had started, the tears stopped. Her face was still twisted in some form of unspoken pain. It had then occurred to him that she never really got the chance to grieve for Riley. When he had first met her, her bite was three weeks old, meaning that Riley had been gone a mere three weeks. Ellie had no shoulder to cry on or anyone to talk to. No wonder the incident was still fresh and raw in her mind even after five years.

  
“I have to go now but I will be back and we can talk some more if you want,” Ellie said as she wiped her face clear of the tears. Joel, not wanting to interrupt what was one of the few times Ellie allowed herself to be vulnerable with him, nodded in agreement.

  
Joel’s once unexpressive face had softened quite a bit since her confession, making Ellie smile. He needed this just as much as she did. They had been through hell together and in the aftermath, all they needed was each other.

.....

  
Along the way to Dina’s house, all Ellie could think about was how she could word it in a way that Dina would understand that Ellie is messed up- possibly beyond repair at this point.

  
‘ _Hey Dina! I’m still not over my first love that died five years ago! Hope that’s okay with_ _you!_ ’

  
The more she thought about it, the sillier it sounded. Ellie wasn’t even sure the kiss between her and Dina had been anything more than a way for Dina to make her (ex?) boyfriend jealous. That one kiss could mean anything and maybe she was overthinking the whole thing. But she did know one thing- Dina deserved an explanation for why Ellie left.

  
As she approached her door, Ellie could feel her palms sweating with nervousness. She knocked a few times, getting more anxious with each second that passed and the door didn’t open. When Dina finally opened the door, Ellie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Dina had obviously just woken up, probably from her knocking, with her eyes struggling to stay open in the bright sunlight of the early morning. For a second, Ellie felt a little guilty at waking her up so early when she knew Dina had been at the party all night.

  
Dina gestured for her to come in and Ellie sat down on the couch carefully. She had never been in Dina’s house and she was not exactly comfortable. But as soon as Ellie looked into Dina’s eyes, she relaxed considerably. Dina sat beside her, closer than Ellie thought she would.

  
“I guess I should explain, huh?” Ellie said, her voice unusually quiet.

  
“That would be nice, yeah,” said Dina. Her words were casual, but Ellie could tell she was nervous.

  
As Ellie began to tell her story, she realized that she would be okay. One day the thought of Riley would bring a smile to her face again. She wasn’t betraying Riley by being happy. Riley would want her to live her life and make new memories with new people, and god knows Ellie deserves some happy memories.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me if you liked it I know the dialogue is bad I'm working on making it flow better


End file.
